Often times through social media you never really get to see the “real”. Don’t get me wrong, I love capturing moments with my family, and sharing on the blog, but I wanted to be real with you guys. A few weeks ago I shared my journey with a few ladies, and it was eye opening for me. Not only to know that people care, but that many of you all have went through either the same thing or something similar. So here I go for once, sharing my emotional side with you all, and this post is meant to share my story and let you know that you are not alone!
So here I go…
What many of you may not know is that I was pregnant four years in a row! Crazy, right?! Let me explain. My first pregnancy by no means was planned. I had randomly found out I was pregnant, and Ahmad and I really didn’t know what to think at the time. We had been married for two years already, so it was about that time in your families eyes. Everyone questions you about when you are going to have a baby. Well, I’ll be honest about it. I wasn’t excited at all. I’ve never wanted kids, and never even thought about the fact that I was married and would one day have kids. I made an appointment to the doctor, and when I saw my baby heart beat on that screen is when everything changed. I never knew I could fall in love with someone that I never even met. Reality hit that I was having a baby, and Ahmad and I was like Holy Shit (Excuse my language- but I’m being real). The moment you tell your family, everyone is excited and happy for you. Months went by and my excitement grew. Ahmad and I were living with his parents at the time as our house was getting built, and everything was coming together for us. Then one day I go in for a check up, and the doctor couldn’t find a heart beat. I knew that God would work a miracle, and the doctors just couldn’t see it. They checked me into the hospital for another ultrasound, and as I prayed I just knew that my baby was just hiding and would pull through. The doctor and nurse came back in with the news that my baby had no heart beat, and had passed. Talk about your heart sinking, and you feel like you did something wrong. My parents had driven down from Dallas, and to see my Dad cry was even more heartbreaking. I felt like it was all my fault, and everyone hated me because they wanted a grand child and my husband was excited to become a dad.
My faith was being tested, because I knew that the Lord could not possibly do this to me. Why would he get me so excited about having a baby, and just take it away? I was emotionally drained, and the only way I knew how to handle it was to hide my emotions and feelings. To go back to work and everyone ask you what happened was terrifying. I didn’t want to explain the story over and over again. Why do people have to be so nosy and curious. I didn’t realize that people actually cared, because I was so into the upset of what was going on. I didn’t know how to look at my husband without thinking he was hating me on the inside because I couldn’t give him a child. I had to carry my baby (dead) for about 3 weeks because I never had a miscarriage. I ended up having to have surgery where they could take my baby. Just imagine walking around holding a baby that is not alive for weeks. After this experience, I knew that I had something to prove to myself. It wasn’t that I could have a baby and make everyone happy. I had realize that God had a plan for me and my family. Opening my Bible and making a prayer journal and writing down my feelings and really putting it in God’s hands is what I started to do.
A few months later I was pregnant with Ashton, he was healthy, I was healthy, and the child I never wanted was finally MINE! I was ecstatic, relieved, and blessed! I cherish Ashton so much because of what I went through. Im overly protective over him, and love him beyond words.
Now… I’m not sure how I ended up pregnant with Aubri (she wasn’t planned, and my mom swear she needs to give me the birds and bees talk again every time I say this). If you read Aubri’s birth story on the blog then you know that she was a twin. I didn’t really go into to much detail because I wasn’t ready to share, but this motherhood journey is something serious.
Ahmad goes to every single doctors appointment with me when I’m pregnant. He had an important meeting for work this one time, and I told him I was fine it was just one of the routine check up appointments. Well, everything turned for the worse super quickly at this appointment. I went from getting an ultrasound and learning that I was pregnant with twins (3 1/2 months), to learning that one of the twins wasn’t developing and was dead. I called Ahmad with so much excitement with the first news that we were having twins. The nurse told me that the doctor wanted to do an extensive ultrasound since they hadn’t seen the other baby for months. Once they did the next ultrasound, I saw two babies on the screen. Normally I never can tell what is on that screen, but that day I definitely saw two babies. Once again I was going through this all over again. I was grateful that Aubri was okay, but couldn’t bare that my other baby was gone. There were no answers to my questions on how this could happen.
Now that time has passed, many always ask me about having another baby. I am not mentally ready to have another one. I enjoy being pregnant, but I don’t think I can honestly go through all the emotions right now. Aubri will be one next month, and every time I look at her I still think about how she was a twin. I never got to meet her brother or sister and it hurts so bad! I think if I would have never seen the other baby on the ultrasound I would have been okay, but to see a baby not moving is heartbreaking.
I never wanted a child more than when I lost one! I think words are powerful ladies. Never say that you don’t want something that is so serious. I hope sharing my journey and story with you has helped you understand that you are not in this alone! We all are going through something wether its losing a child, infertility, or just being a mother trying to figure it out.